I took the road less traveled by…AND IT HURT,MAN!!

I’ve been trying to figure out how to write about my time in LA… chances are this will be a lot of rambling, so please bear with me….

A lot of it has been a call to trust God FULLY… 109%.

“The way of trust is a movement into obscurity, into the undefined, into ambiguity, not into some predetermined, clearly delineated plan for the future. The next step discloses itself only out of a discernment of God acting in the desert of the present moment. The reality of naked trust is the life of the pilgrim who leaves what is nailed down, obvious, and secure, and walks into the unknown without any rational explanation to justify the decision or guarantee the future. Why? Because God has signaled the movement and offered it his presence and his promise.”

― Brennan Manning, Ruthless Trust: The Ragamuffin’s Path to God

That couldn’t be more true…

Since I have been here, all of my resources have been depleted, and Re-Generation has not received the support it has needed. We are ten people who have moved into “Obscurity, into the undefined, into ambiguity…”

We have left all that is nailed down and guaranteed and are seeking to know what it is to Trust God and let Him be the very thing we need. Brennan Manning nailed it when he said:

“Like faith and hope, trust cannot be self-generated. I cannot simply will myself to trust. What outrageous irony: the one thing that I am responsible for throughout my life I cannot generate. The one thing I need to do I cannot do. But such is the meaning of radical dependence. It consists in theological virtues, in divinely ordained gifts. Why reproach myself for my lack of trust? Why waste time beating myself up for something I cannot affect? What does lie within my power is paying attention to the faithfulness of Jesus. That’s what I am asked to do: pay attention to Jesus throughout my journey, remembering his kindnesses (Ps. 103:2).”

― Brennan Manning, Ruthless Trust: The Ragamuffin’s Path to God

I get to live this reality… I can look around at anyone I am doing life alongside and see this reality being lived out. WE CANNOT GENERATE THIS…There is NOTHING we can do but follow God and let Him be the very thing we need…let Him do it. It defies all the logic and reason I grew up into. I’ll be honest: Most days that is really hard for me. I look around at other people my age and see them starting families, getting settled into careers, being able to afford dental and health insurance…they have steady incomes, houses, cars, etc. and it is hard to not want that. It is hard to not go after that. Especially when people constantly poke and prod , asking, “Why don’t you just settle down?”… Perhaps it is my belief that there is something more…I can’t put my finger on it, I just know it is there…Perhaps it is because I don’t want to “Just Settle Down”… we live in an age where settling doesn’t cut it anymore. The cost is too high. I may never have a penny to show for it, but at the end of my days, I want to know that I know my Father’s heart, voice, and love for me… I want to know that I know who I am as His Daughter and Beloved. ..and I want to know I did everything I was asked to do so that all would know my Father and His Love.

Someone told me before I came out here, as I was wrestling with all of the questions, like “why don’t I get a real job?”, that I was not called to the easy or obvious. “You were called to the NARROW ROAD…and it is Narrow!!!! You walk on a knife’s edge. Not many are willing to do that because it is impossible and will likely end in your death… but you know that it is worth everything.”

And it has been and continues to be… I don’t walk it perfectly. I have done so many stupid things…said too much (sometimes said too little)… I am not perfect. Thankfully the One who has gone before me is, and He comes alongside me always, to guide and direct, comfort and correct. Some days breathing is hard, and my resolve to walk this shakes… When there appears to be nothing… friendships fail, resources run out and cries are lost in the wind,… our perfect and steadfast anchor is there. He is the Storm that moves us from the shores of control, the Ocean that engulfs us, and the Peace that takes us to the depths of His Perfect Love. A trust like this in a God like Him will undoubtedly cost me everything… To live dangerously close to a God like this will cost me everything. When anyone looks at my life I know there is no part of my story that I can take credit for. All glory and honor and blessing belongs Him… He loves me so perfectly, and wholly. He washes me with grace and meets me every day…He woos me from places of shame, doubt, and despair. He is my trust… because to live like this …truly one needs and impossible kind of trust.

Join me in praying for creative and impossible miracles (the kind like Gideon, Moses, Shadrach Meshach and Abednego witnessed) of God. If you want to invest and support me and the Re-Generation Family check out www.re-generationnow.com

Be Blessed, and may His Ruthless Trust be encamped in, around, and all throughout your life.

Signs and Wonder…

Signs & Wonders…

It is day one of my adventures in California. Already I have seen God do some really cool things…I.E. I went to check cost of flights to get back to Atlanta. I cringed at the thought of having to spend another $170 plus baggage fees. Still, I wanted to be diligent and look in case there were cheap flights so I could be sure to be a good steward of the money people have sent thus far. I typed in the desired date into Priceline… $175-$331 were the prices now unfurling on my screen. Every flight had a ridiculous layover in some city that was so far north of Atlanta it made no sense! An inward grown erupted within… “Jesus, you know I can’t afford that and I don’t have enough support right now to cover the cost…” I thought. As I sat there quietly beginning to contemplate if maybe it was better to just forget flying back I felt prompted to check the next day which would mean flying in on a Monday rather than Sunday… $156-$171. My jaw dropped as I realized the cheapest flight was a direct flight with Delta which not only meant I could save money but that I could also earn skymiles!!

It moved me to think about His signs of love and my wonder at it all. I mean… He has given signs…proof of His goodness and sovereignty. Still, as we are faced with adversity we often wonder, “Yeah, but will You come through this time?” It is a difficult thing to live out of faith ALL.THE.TIME. A difficulty that is often compounded by those that surround us. Which reminded me of this:

One of my favorite Jesus moments though was when He went into that home in which their daughter had died. They begged Him to raise her back to life. He agreed, but kicked all the family out because there was no room for doubt. It was only faith that could stand in the presence of that miracle.

Re-Generation is currently in a position where we need God to show up. We need Him to do the impossible…the kind of impossible that only faith can stand in the presence of. It is crazy to me. It makes me tremble at the thought of that mustard size faith… And makes me wonder if I have the courage to stand and watch as the Lord shows up… do I have the faith to look on? Or in doubt will I close my eyes, brace for impact, and pray He doesn’t makes us crash and burn?

The thing I keep coming back to, though, is that as hard as it is to trust and have the faith in the things I can’t even…I see them as impossible…the thing I want past myself is to see God do the impossible. I don’t want to see the after effects, like the little girl ’s family did… they saw a dead girl and then saw her alive…they missed His prayer, the DOING of the miracle… I want to be in the room when He DOES the thing. He doesn’t need me, and sometimes I don’t need to see, but He wants me to be with Him… seeking Him, trusting Him, and believing He is who He says He is and He will do what He said He would do…no matter who or what tries to oppose that.

So the thought I will be musing over this season is, “Am I the family member that gets kicked out because I don’t have the faith or just want to see a show, or am I the one who gets to be by His side and Watch Him do the impossible and celebrate with Him in that moment?” because if I am really honest, I know that this is a season in which I will have the chance to see God do the impossible… today already I have seen signs of His goodness and glory and I stand there watching in wonder and amazement.

A New Adventure…

A lot of people are always wondering, “What is Alana up to these days?”

I’ve been pretty busy since returning from India back in April. God did some amazing things while we were there. I began to remember all the things He had done and shown me while I was on the Race. The young men and women and kids we spent time with in India reminded me of what it is to know God as Father. They knew Him as their Father in a way I could hardly comprehend…but I wanted to. Since returning home, God has been faithful to pull me closer to Him, teaching me what it is to know Him as Father.

I have been surrounded by such and amazing group of men and women this past season…From my church family where I have been working, to my friends from the India trip, to my parents. They have challenged me, sharpened me, and encouraged me.

In two weeks I will head out to the West Coast to spend some time getting some deep discipleship as well as work with Re-Generation. I will be out there until late November. As far as work goes with them, I will be helping with video, fundraising, etc. It does require some personal fundraising on my part. It is a small sum that will cover my flight home, and then food, and bless them with a small gift. They have invested more than I could convey and I am excited about what God has in store as I come alongside them once again.

Brennan Manning has a prayer that describes what Chuck and Della do for their Re-Generation kids…what they hope for as we spend time with them, pursuing the depths of God’s heart and our identity as Sons & Daughters:

“May all your expectations be frustrated, may all your plans be thwarted, may all your desires be withered into nothingness, that you may experience the powerlessness and poverty of a child and sing and dance in the love of God who is Father, Son and Spirit. Today on planet Earth, may you experience the wonder and beauty of yourself as Abba’s Child and temple of the Holy Spirit through Jesus Christ our Lord.”

I am looking forward to having my expectations and all the things of self dissipate as I step into the beauty of who I am as Abba’s Child. I am thankful for the season in which I can go and adventure into the wild places of the Father’s heart, moving closely with Him and seeing first hand as He does the impossible in my life and the lives of all those I encounter.

If you would like invest in my trip to California, I am in need of $800. You can send checks to:

Re-Generation


1905 N. Wilcox Avenue, Suite 219


Hollywood, CA 90068

Make them out to “Re-Generation” and enclose a slip of paper specifying it is for “Alana”.

I cannot thank you enough for your investments in my life, those that are financial investments and especially those that are investments of prayer. I look forward to seeing God move.

Desiring to Live Dangerously Close to God,

Alana

Disturbed…

Disturb us, Lord, when

We are too well pleased with ourselves,

When our dreams have come true

Because we have dreamed too little,

When we arrived safely

Because we sailed too close to the shore.

 

Disturb us, Lord, when

With the abundance of things we possess

We have lost our thirst

For the waters of life;

Having fallen in love with life,

We have ceased to dream of eternity

And in our efforts to build a new earth,

We have allowed our vision

Of the new Heaven to dim.

 

Disturb us, Lord, to dare more boldly,

To venture on wider seas

Where storms will show your mastery;

Where losing sight of land,

We shall find the stars.

 

We ask You to push back

The horizons of our hopes;

And to push into the future

In strength, courage, hope, and love.

 

attributed – sir francis drake -1577

 

I have often wondered what life would be like if we dared to allow ourselves to be truly disturbed by God. To allow Him to come in and overturn the tables in our lives and create something truly new…To blow our minds with the unimaginable.

I know I’m different.  However, the beauty I have seen more often in the past few years is that I am not the only one. More and more I see that I am one of many in a generation who are hoping, aching, longing for, and seeking something more…We’ve begun to dream of an eternity again. Adventure is at our core and more and more we push back the boundaries and have begun to speak of, “What if that is possible”. We muse over the impossible with God, and in faith have begun to see that God is who He has always been. He is a God who is impossible. I  mean think about it…In all our humanity we do not have the capacity to love the way he does. He loves us when we are in the depths of the darkest sin and is fighting to draw us out of that. My pastor a few Sundays ago said, “Yeah, He is a loving God, but if there is sin in your life ,in His zealous Love for you, He is not afraid to overturn the tables in your life”.

I keep thinking about that…Do I invite Him in to do that? Do I want Him to do that?

A close friend of mine sent the prayer above to me last night. Truly it struck one of the deepest chords in me. The chord that resonates with a desire for change and to remember what we’ve forgotten…things we forgot the moment man fell…to remember that when there are troubles in this world, failing economies, corrupt governments, wars, etc., to not be afraid because we have a God, a Father who has already conquered it…

He covers, protects, provides for, woos us…

He is not a luke-warm God.

He is I Am.

Not I Suppose.

Or I’m Maybe.

Or I’m Not.

He.is. I Am.

So what if I was apart of a generation who moved into a place where we allowed God to disturb us? What if we were so disturbed by human trafficking that we did something? What if we were so disturbed by politics that rather than hiding or just talking, that we became politicians who changed things? What if we were so disturbed by Hollywood that we became producers, writers, and artists that made  epic films and wrote songs that changed our culture.

I really wonder most days, “What am I waiting for? What are we (the church) waiting for?”

My new found prayer will be that God disturbs me…that I will not find myself in a stupor, or place of complacency…that daily He comes along and disturbs me. Dangerous, I know, but truly I desire for that myself and this generation to know what it is to live dangerously close to God. To be swept up in the Furious Storm of His Love and To dwell in the Wild Places of His heart….To be “disturbed”.

Quiet Places…

It was a dreary day outside, the world veiled in a gray and misty rain. I was cozy in my North Face sweatshirt and gym shorts, sipping on peppermint tea as I watched the rain fall. The American Dollar’s song “Signaling Through the Flames” ( http://youtu.be/4Vp9QMq2qX8 )  played on repeat and moved my mind to reflect in a rather poetic way. Perhaps it was the soothing effect of the Peppermint Tea or the thought -provoking book I had been reading earlier, but soon I found myself smiling deeply and praising Abba for this quiet space. I couldn’t help but look at the dreary world outside and find so much joy in it. The rain seemed to bring about a hushed tone, quieting the common loud nature of it all. And in the hushed and quiet tones I could hear Him humming deeply His song of Love over us.

This season I have had a great deal of alone time. Being without a job despite my efforts to find one has left me without much to do. In past seasons like this I have found breathing difficult as panic and worry have overtaken me…but not this season. This time I have been so shrouded in Peace I have not felt any of those things. In fact I have enjoyed the solitude and quiet nature of this season. As crazy as it sounds it has been so quiet I have heard the sound of roots growing into the ground…the sound of dormant life beginning to wake. I have leaned into a deeper life of prayer and have heard His roaring whisper…a rumor, a whisper of Great Things stirring…

There is something…magical I suppose, that I find in quiet places.  The other day I was talking with a spiritual brother of mine… He was sharing with me a part of a story he had read in a book. “…He asked, ‘God, why did you have to show up in a whisper of all things?!’ God smiled and whispered, ‘because to hear a whisper you have to lean in and get close.’”

As he told me that all I could picture was those moments when you whisper a secret to a little kid.

They get so excited they can barely sit still…Their eyes light up as they cover their mouths with their tiny hands for fear the secret may come out…You whisper something, and their giggle explodes like light shining through drops of rain… You smile deeply. That’s what I can help but feel in these quiet spaces…on rainy days when the world is hushed and veiled… I curl up against Him to lean in and hear His whisper, covering my smile for fear the things He whispers will escape my lips before it is time…He whispers of things to come and of his love for me and I feel like that small child, wriggling with joy I can hardly contain…

Did I mention I like rainy days?

Thanks, Abba, for quiet seasons and rainy days…

I don’t wanna grow up…but i suppose i must?

 

The other night I realized something… At twenty-six I feel as if I should “feel” like an adult… Sometimes peers or people older look at the way I dress and the way I act with the, “it’s time you grew up” look.  Briefly I entertain the thought, torn between acting like the “adult” society tells me to be and the child God calls me to be. It is a strange place to be…this cross road of mine… But then with my mind made up, I embrace the two. I desire to be an adult that sees the world with Child-like wonder, devours each day with Child-like joy…that loves and forgives like a child…that embraces my emotions, how I really feel, like a child.

I mean think about it… Kids are the most honest among us. We know when they are happy, sad, angry, bewildered, curious, mischievous… They wear their heart on their sleeves, unguarded, uninhibited. They are bold in a way we have forgotten how to be. If you offend them or hurt them, their turn-around time between hurt and forgiveness is about 1 minute or less. They love with affection more honest and deeper than most of us allow ourselves. Somewhere along the way we forgot how enthralled we used to be with the little things. Bugs are no longer wondrous creatures that we stuff into our pockets…they are terrifying or gross. The appeal of making mud pies has long since gone.

 

 

Think about this: when was the last time you got this –>

excited about something?

 

 

 

 

 

In the past few months though I have been captivated by the way kids see and experience the world around them. I am captivated by they joy they carry… Not too long ago I walked into the home of some dear friends of mine. Jack(age 3) was

sitting at the table eating his dinner of chicken nuggets. The moment he saw me he exclaimed, “HEY! You’re here!”

With a huge grin I pointed back at him and with equal excitement exclaimed, “You’re here!”

“Yeah!” he said with a fist pump, “We’re both here!”

…I’ve never been quite so excited to be somewhere as I was in that moment.

 

Another time not too long ago, I was heading outside of the same home holding the hand of Fiona(age 3 ½). She looked up at me and ask, “Lana, how old are you?”

“I am twenty-six.” I said.

After pondering for a brief moment she smiled up at me and with a big thumbs up said, “Good job, Lana!!”

…I’ve never felt quite so accomplished as I did in that moment.

I have countless stories like these in which the kids in my life have reminded me of things I forgot.

I realize now, one of my favorite things, something I know is one of God’s favorite things about me, is how much of a big kid I am. He and I love how much I love to “run-a-muck”, finger paint, make people laugh… I’ve not changed too much since I was a kid… i’ve grown a bit taller, experienced a lot of life…Still…This next year I hope and pray that as I continue to press on into this thing we call “being an adult” that I keep pressing on into to

Child-like wonder, excitement, joy, love and forgiveness…

 

To better understand a whisper…

I was on Pinterest not too long ago and came across an Arabic Proverb that struck a chord in me…

“Speak only if what you are about to say is more beautiful than the silence…”

 

When I read it and since then I have thought about the word “beauty” interwoven in that… I think of the beauty I have seen and have known and have begun to wonder if the words I speak are comparable to those things of beauty. While being trained up for and when on the World Race, our leadership emphasized the power of our words. We can either plants seeds and breathe life or we can sling arrows and bring death. Our words carry such crazy power, so much so I think we are most utterly unaware of the affect we have on one another. One of my leaders told me at one point, “When you speak, the sound wave carries and does not stop. So words that were spoken thousands of ears ago are still ringing in the air.” They went on to explain the actual science of it all, but that information evades my thoughts now.  Still, the idea that when I speak, whether in earnest or in jest, my words literally change the air (sound waves and all that, you know…).

In the recent months I have taken note of how much time I have alone…most of which is spent in silence. As a result I am a bit more aware of when things are spoken. I’ve always been careful to listen to what is being said/how it is being said, etc. but lately I feel even more so aware of those things.  To be honest I was a bit surprised by my words and how often I disrupt the beauty rather than contribute to it.

This was amplified and clarified when worshipping with a small group of serve team and leaders at a somewhat recent Passport Training Camp. We had been singing and swirling in the Heavens and as I played and sang, the words began to run out and soon the notes faded as well. All that remained was the beautiful silence quivering with God’s presence… It was beauty in it’s purest form (at least from what I have experienced thus far in my life).

All this to be said, I want to continue to grow in this… thinking before I speak and noting whether tis best to remain silent or to speak based on the beauty of the silence…Will I add to the beauty of this life or take away from it with the words I utter?

Just a thought…

 

*photo above taken by Sydnee Mela

farther along…

The more life I live the more I am undone by the seasons I have been blessed to walk through. I discover more of who I am and who He is. In the words of Josh Garrels:

 

“…Cause I got changed by what I’ve been shown

More glory than the world has known

Keeps me ramblin’ on…”

 

This past season I have spent my time living with two families and all of their children. I have soaked up the opportunity to watch not only the relationship between parent and child, but to simply soak up the uninhibited nature of a young child. They love with out requirement; cry without restraint, run until they fall down in heaps of laughter…They inquire, seek out, all without fear.

Yesterday, Fiona(3 ½) came up to me, “Alana, I neeeed to talk to you.”

“About what, Fiona?”

“We need to talk about….. the whales.”

I’m not sure what it has been about moments such as those but it has set something free in me.

“Skipping like a calf loosed from its stall

I’m free to love once and for all

And even when I fall I’ll get back up

For the joy that overflows my cup

Heaven filled me with more than enough

Broke down my levee and my bluff

Let the flood wash me”

In this next season I am heading into an even deeper unknown, yet all familiar place. I am leaving Chattanooga and answering His call to go deeper into the wild places. The places in which I have no control and like a child must fully rely on Him. I must fully trust Him to keep me.

I have a few options I am praying into, but whatever I do I pray I continue to grow up into faith and love like a child. I met a woman who, at 93, prayed for a meal, starting with, “Lord, our Good Father, we love you!” I looked at her face as she prayed that and saw the same love I see in the faces of the children I live with. That is what I am seeking. I know my life seems crazy, and some of you may be wondering if I’ll ever land somewhere. Don’t worry, I wonder the same thing, yet am happily blessed to be called to a life in which I am called to travel and do life with so many people in so many different walks of life. School is still going to happen, and chances are I will continue to take jobs here and there, but again, I have no idea what that looks like. I just take it one day at a time, skippin’ to the beat of Josh Garrels’ song, “Farther Along”.

 And one day when the sky rolls back on us

Some rejoice and the others fuss

Cause every knee must bow and tongue confess

That the son of god is forever blessed

His is the kingdom, we’re the guests

So put your voice up to the test

Sing Lord, come soon

 

Farther along we’ll know all about it

Farther along we’ll understand why

Cheer up my brothers, live in the sunshine

We’ll understand this, all by and by”

-Excerpt from “Farther Along”

I’m still in need of support so if you are interested let me know. No matter what the circumstances I hold fast to the truth that I am Loved and Called. And no matter what I will hold fast to what I have tattooed on my arm… “To live dangerously close to God…”

Be Blessed!

“Farther Along”

I can’t help falling in Love with You.

This weekend I was afforded the opportunity to be a part of a beautiful wedding celebration. I spent most of my time running about making sure food was out, and that people who really should be free to just enjoy it could. At one point though, I was sitting down staring at this huge tent, lit with soft white light, the trees behind it filled with thousands of fireflies, and the tent filled with people I love. Everyone had surrounded the bride and groom to pray over them before they made their exit. My eyes filled with tears as I beheld the beauty of that moment and the knowledge that those people were my people…my family…my tribe. I realized too, in that moment I was falling in love with them all over again.

I’ve never been in love with a man in the romantic sense of that phrase, but I feel as if God is teaching me all about how He falls in love with us all the time because of how I feel like I keep falling in love with friends and family constantly. It’s kind of funny to me, since growing up I always thought being married and having kids would be the most love I could ever have for anyone. Perhaps that may come to be, but at the moment I can’t imagine it because I feel such deep deep love for a multitude of people… Like… Love that runs so deep in me I can’t breath when I see them. I can’t help but cry when I know they are hurting. I can’t stop smiling when I see God pour out blessing upon them. Truly words are not sufficient to describe the Love I feel. I could spend years talking about each person, but ultimately as I watched that tent full of people praying over the bride and groom, I heard Jesus whisper, “I love my Bride…this church… I Love you.” I smiled and whispered back, “Me too.”

And I know He Loves us so deeply … it’s a crazy love… A Deeply Fierce Love. One that cannot be calculated by formulas or defined by reason and logic and words. It can only be felt, experienced and lived out. I suppose the reason I was so moved by that sight was because I was seeing and experiencing that Love…  I watching Him…

As much as Loving people as deeply as I do hurts and confounds me, I wouldn’t trade it for anything because in experiencing it, I gain understanding of His heart…His Love.

I know I’ve said this all before, but I suppose my reason for writing this was simply because I needed to confess my love for the people in my life again, as I have undoubtedly fallen head over heels for them all over again, and I am utterly lost in love with my King…

declaration…

I met a wordsmith the other day…

He helped me etch a word…a phrase…

A declaration upon my arm.

I had him etch it deep so I could not forget

The call set forth from the moment I took my very first breath…

His Breath…

The Breath that ignited a fire

And unquenchable desire to Pursue my Beloved.

That breath which awakened me to be more, do more, love more…Know Him more.

And as he etched the word…the phrase…

My Declaration

I felt His song,

His roar rising up within me all the more.

And so I when I met a wordsmith the other day

I had him etch this word…this phrase…this declaration upon my arm:

 

To be Unashamed

To speak Without Fear

To live a life of Honor and Peace

To Live Dangerously Close to God

To be Unashamed.